been a min

i haven’t posted anything for quite a while.  it’s been a roller coaster.  first, my meds stopped working.  just like that.  overnight.  blammo.  i was supposed to increase my dose, so i did, but it just caused confusion and this wierd split effect, like having someone following me around constantly yelling, while i didn’t care but was annoyed.  the manic part, i think.  or something.  i don’t know.  i stayed that way for about a week, hoping it was all part of the adjustment, but it just got worse.  i tapered down until i wasn’t taking it anymore.

after seeing my dr, he suggested abilify, in tandem with the lithium.  well, that’s not where i wanted to go with this.  the whole point was finding something that was easy, painless, no real crazy side effects AND most importantly, one thing.  i don’t want a dozen pills a day counteracting this and balancing that. nope.  not for me.

also, or, i guess, as well, my career guy has hit a roadblock with me.  i have too.  there’s just too many ways to go with the whole job thing.  so, i’m thinking that after Christmas and new years i’m just going to go out and get a job, any job, to keep myself busy while i continue to look.

i didn’t think things would go so awry.  i guess i should have expected it.  i’ve been derailed before, but not like this.  the people that are supposed to be helping me are hindering me with second guesses and annoying side lines.  it’s frustrating that i’m asking people on twitter for advice!  i’m getting more info from them than i am from the people around me.  that’s pretty bad.

ok.  that’s about all i got cause it’s getting dark and i’m going blind.  sure, i could turn on….actually i can turn on a light with my phone, so, duh.  there.  done.

i need an escape route.  some way around this bit of mess.  i think a job is that escape, because then i’ll be occupied and i won’t have to be concerned so much about the rest of my life, finances, etc.  the wife is getting stupid and it’s annoying the hell out of me.  of course i don’t want to touch my savings, but if i have to i will.  i’d rather get busy.

part 2 of the problem is the lack of motivation.  things have improved greatly, don’t get me wrong.  home is actually pretty great now.  i’m needed here.  things aren’t stupid and angry anymore.  everyone does their part and things have changed greatly.  i love that.  but i can’t stay home forever.

ok i’m falling asleep typing so i’m out of here.  oh yeah, got new glasses.  how fun.  blah.

Back again

I’ve been busy lately! Many appointments. Feeling like I’m standing on the edge and ready to jump. Kind of.

I think I explained that I’m in the 95th percentile across the board. I was frustrated with that information because now instead of wondering where to put my skills to work. Well, learning that you can go virtually anywhere is like putting a dozen cakes on a table, all different, and saying, “ok…. You can sample one. Just a sample, and just one. If you decide you don’t like it you can sample another, but first you have to bake and decorate all new ones.”

How am I supposed to narrow it down to one type of career

Now what

I’m feeling really kind of edgy and a little bummed right now because of holiday season and shopping events. As a manager I always loved the energy of the holidays, the frenetic pace of everything. I’m not working so it’s missing from my life. I’m seeing friends dreading it because of retail but honestly I couldn’t have been happier than directing and negotiating and maneuvering events and people. I found it exhilarating. Plus it’s the one season you get to test your teams and their abilities. It’s exciting to see someone breakout and take control of their job! So exciting. I remember one person in particular I was a little concerned about but when the time came she read my mind and did everything she was trained to do and had no problem standing her ground.

I wasn’t retail, directly, but extremely high demand WITHIN retail. Difficult to explain.

The company I worked for is Canada wide, as well, so there were all kinds of specifics I had to be careful of. Province to province, laws, etc. Eyes open at all times! Fine print. One mistake could cost you a ton.

I looooved it. I’m a manager, through and through and the challenges and achievements of my team give me such a high. The failures, as well, because they’re valuable! Never blame anyone for what you neglected to teach them! Failures can be exciting too because then it’s on me to grow.

I got to blow my own horn for a minute and say, that company were fecking morons to let me walk, huh? I mean, I’m reading back my excitement about leading a team and I’m just as pumped up as if someone else was speaking! I’m pumped about my own words! I’m like YEAH WE CAN DOOOO THIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!

But back to reality. I have no team to lead. I’m sad about that. I’m feeling like I’m missing a great party and all my favorite people will be there! Ugh!!! I was looking forward to not having to do it but I think I was just flushed with anger and frustration with my manager and their lack of willingness to help me. Their micromanagement. Look at me. Look at what I wrote. Does that sound like an uninspired, lazy manager that needs micromanaging? I just didn’t didn’t jump when they wanted me to so I had to be retrained in their way.

That’s so sad.

But it’s up and up from here! Gonna get on it, gonna find a company that appreciates my skills. It might not be as a manager, I admit I’d make a great and fair king. Heh heh…

For now I’m just adjusting to not being in the fray, and boy, is that difficult.

Balanced…mostly

Getting used to lithium.  3 weeks in and I’ve already seen a load of changes, some excellent and some disastrous as far as I’m concerned.

Lets just cut to the disastrous, shall we?  I have a great way to show you what I’m going to describe.  I think, actually, that tv shows and movies probably get this idea from bipolar people.  Specifically, mania.

tumblr_ngai4zbWWe1sscj4so3_250.gif
Bloomin’ thoughts!

This is how I USED to think.  I could ‘see’….well, whatever I wanted.  Math, art techniques, shapes, etc.  Mostly, I could see flowcharts for problems.  Not just the problem with a yes no solution, but SO many variables that affect outcome.  Everything.  From the kinds of shoes you were wearing to people that hate you to time of day to weather to …..you name it, it was in there.  In seconds I could completely disseminate information to the finest detail, and be right.  It was freaky, yes, even for me.  I had a surprised laugh most times when I saw how things worked out.

That’s gone.  Now?  I can hardly do more than one thing at a time, never mind 6.  I…..I don’t know how to feel about this.

In my therapy session today we discussed this.  I said it used to be like neon chalk everywhere (very much like that gif up there) but I’ve been reduced to using dollar store word magnets that just….won’t…..stick!  Damn cheap ass magnets.  Her solution was to start writing it down instead of visualizing it, but that’s just SO slow.  Frik.  When you’re used to dozens of exploding scenarios happening in seconds, writing it down??  Fuck me dead.  That’s worse than the magnets.  I can’t possibly …..oh my god, i just, no.  That’s….no.  That’s too slow.  How can you possibly write things down at the speed of thought?

So, that’s what I really dislike about it.  The lithium slows my brain down and makes it all fuzzy if I try to go on an emotional jag or thought jag.  It puts the brakes on anything bigger than 1.  I literally zone out.  Just duuuuhhhhh….

This is a problem.  I’m a manager by nature.  I make decisions that can affect a lot of money or people.  I need snap decisions and they have to be good ones.  Is this risking my chances at a new job OR am I normal now?  I can’t tell.

Ok, on to the positive!  Today, she asked me, when was the last time you felt like this?  This even?  I started to cry because I never have!  I’ve never felt normal.  I’ve never felt…..um….It’s hard to describe!  You know those videos where people can see color for the first time?  It’s like that.  You’ll never know how it feels, but you can see that it’s a huge impact!  It’s just like that.  I can’t describe how it feels to be “normal.”  I got up to pee in the middle of the night a little bit back, and instead of having racing anxiety thoughts, as I so often do for some damn reason in the middle of the night, I took a whiz in peace and actually kind of just liked it!  Not the whiz but …ok yeah, but I mean the….quiet.  If you don’t know what It’s like to be bipolar and anxiety and ocd, bless you, and I hope you never do.  If you do?  Ugh…..I’m so sorry.  But finding quiet in there?  Man, I tell you, it’s something.  It’s SO new and strange!

So, I did start to cry because thinking back, all the way to being, like 11, maybe even younger, but that was my first suicide attempt.  I don’t know why.  The noise.  The constant….um…..help me here.  It’s not a sound or a voice or anything, it’s NOISE.  I can’t even explain it.  If sound felt like something, or if feelings made sounds…..It would be like that.  I suck at explaining it.  I need a gif for that.

That was another thing.  She asked me about suicidal thoughts. I HAVEN’T HAD ANY!!!  NONE!!!!  That was incredible to realize.  I didn’t even think about the fact that I wasn’t thinking about it.  It’s not really “suicide” but it’s the whole, just wishing to be gone, type thing.  None.  Haven’t had a one.  That’s CRAAAAAAAZY!  Pffft….I can’t even explain that one, either.  It was just part of my life since forever.

So!  While it’s awesome and I’m stable (more than just stable!) there are a lot of losses.  Big ones.  I’m having a hard time adjusting.  I can’t even cook.  I know that sounds weird but I have no idea anymore what goes well with what.  I’ve made some of the worst food ever in the last few weeks.  I used to cook like the example gif up there.  I had a whole kitchen in my head and I would make the dinner “virtually” a few times with variations, in literally seconds, and knew exactly what was what with what and how much.  I could tweak it, test it, check it, even taste it.  That’s gone too, so cooking is like a big WTF experience.  Things I thought I knew, I have no clue.  And limited multi tasking….limited to 1 thing at a time…..is no way to cook.  I’ve forgotten a pan on the burner RIGHT NEXT TO ME.  Like, right friggin there!  Totally forgot it existed.  I don’t know why.

My therapist says I’m still in the beginning phase, so maybe this will work itself out.  My dr doesn’t want me going to 3 per day, just stay at 2, cause if I’m having concentration trouble, it probably shouldn’t be upped.  I’m also on a pretty low dose, but I’m ridiculously sensitive to changes.  This is probably why my bipolar could flip and flop rapidly through just one day.  My therapist said today that she saw multiple presentations of opposing symptoms just in one session, many times.

This is all coming around.  it’s been a hell of a journey so far.  I’m on track for a crap ton of things, which is exactly what I needed to do.  I have a few final steps and BAM BABY!  I’ll be on my way back to employment.  Frikamighty, it’s been something though.  I just have to meet with my career guide guy a time or two more and we can start in earnest.

Night!!!

Back again

I’ve been busy lately! Many appointments. Feeling like I’m standing on the edge and ready to jump. Kind of.

I think I explained that I’m in the 95th percentile across the board. I was frustrated with that information because now instead of wondering where to put my skills to work I had this wide selections of jobs and careers I would fit into. Well, learning that you can go virtually anywhere is like putting a dozen cakes on a table, all different, and saying, “ok…. You can sample one. Just a sample, and just one. If you decide you don’t like it you can sample another, but first you have to bake and decorate all new ones.”

How am I supposed to narrow it down to one type of career in a whole field!  Not very helpful.

Then he showed me a range of statistical results from other people, names excluded, of course, because he thought I needed to put this into perspective.

Ok, I’m apparently skilled at a shit ton of things, but I’m not very bright.  I was taking this for granted, because after looking at a wide selection of results, I couldn’t believe (I’m sorry!!) how stupid these people were!  I was wrong, of course,  they’re not stupid.  I was ignoring how skilled I was!  He asked if I ever watched Sherlock on tv, and of course I have.  Then he just stared at me.  Um…ok?  Then he asked if people usually accuse me of being arrogant (yes) bossy (yes) or impatient with long winded explanations or excuses (yes and yes).

Okay, I get it.

And I do get it.  I’ve been caught up on the wrong side of the problem.  I’ve been looking at this wide swath of selections and being afraid of making a choice, instead of asking myself, “what do you want to do!?!?!  Good!  Go do it, cause you can!”

That was eye opening.  I mean, not to sound arrogant lol, but I know I’m skilled in a butt ton of everything.  I just didn’t know those skills were things that were actual choices.  I always called myself a jack of all trades and a master of none, because I’ve yet to do a job I didn’t immediately handle, but maybe wasn’t for me.  So what is?  Scratch those puppies! Move on!  NEXT!

As it turns out, there’s a lot I want to know about, so I’m going to take a bit more time to find out about the ones that I can see myself doing and are relatively local.  A little research, etc to decide if that’s what I want do to.  We’ll see!

Another appointment I had was good news.  I had my eye appointment and found out I’m not going blind and there’s nothing physically wrong with my eyes.  It’s just……sigh…..age.

Fuck.

I don’t think i’m 45.  I think I’m more like…….32.  That’s a good age I think I am, yes.  But my eyes say otherwise.  Fuckin eyes.  But I have no deformities or tumors or anything else.  Possible high cholesterol, oh my god I have to start worrying about cholesterol!!  I’m actually screaming relatively quiet as I sit here.  High cholesterol.  That’s such a dad thing.  Oh my god.  I’m so old.  lol

Ok.  Oh, and as an update to my last thing about social media and all that.  Well, I did dump all of my social media apps and got rid of it all, but I missed it very much.  So, I reinstalled 2 of them, and I’m keeping myself very positive and muting the hell out of anything that gives me that first twinge of anger.  Mute, forget.  Those people aren’t important, anyway.

A couple of the ones that i missed were;

Hackspirit

Tiny Buddha

Check them out.  Not religiousy, but calming and brings you to your center to focus on what matters.

Ok, time to go find out what the cats are fighting over.

Feeling good, he said, with hesitation.

It’s been a roller coaster from hell the last week or more. Personally, I’m good. Bipolar stuff is fairly steady, and work wise, I’m truckin’ along with my career path. Working on that in a few minutes, actually. From here I diverge from my usual work/mental health stuff to a topic that’s weighed heavily on my mind for a while. I always said to myself I’d never go there, but I’ve gone there. Not for personal reasons, not to promote an idea or belief but to describe what I think and feel is impacting me. To some this might be hypocritical but keep in mind, I’m writing this in my own blog and you’re reading it by choice. Big difference. So, here we go.

What hasn’t been good is social media. I know, weird, but I’ve uninstalled apps and removed myself from news and media in general because it is quite literally killing my spirit. There’s so much noise. So many feelings and no facts. So many left, right, sjw’s and groups like antifa have nazi-esque responses to literally anything they disagree with based on feelings only they have. How is this right? I even dumped my cbt and Buddhist feeds because they were so interspersed by hate speech I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I’m a straight white guy, so in most of these ads, “news articles” and comments I’m under attack. It doesn’t matter if I’m right based on fact, or laws, I’m evil based on their feelings, and I don’t have a right to speak, I shouldn’t be allowed to, basically, exist and anything I do or say is based on a white privilege patriarchal ideology.

This isn’t even anything I participate in, just ads I see, cherry picked news and posts made by (who I thought were decent) people I follow. I know they’re the minority, and most people don’t believe it, but when you’re bombarded with it inadvertently and so frequently it just gets to you as a personal attack. Soon it’s all you notice. So….. Fuck em. I unfollowed them and logged out. I don’t even read tech news anymore because of slanted views on the most ridiculous things they’re forced to provide because the parent company is forced to promote it.

What a sick, sick society we live in these days. The illness is social cancer. Where’s the conversations? Where’s the patience? Where is any sense of understanding and willingness to challenge our beliefs? Instead it’s about slamming as many left or right wing ideas down as many throats as possible.

I’m a good, honest man. I’ve supported women all my life not because I was told to, but because I never thought otherwise. I just didn’t. Nobody told me women were supposed to be better or worse. Nobody taught me anything at all about that. My first musical influences were black and usually female and I didn’t think twice about it. I didn’t know they were supposed to be different or better or worse than me. My best friend is gay as fuck but so what? His name is – – – – – – and he’s my best friend. He’s got my back and I’ve got his. For decades I’ve referred to people as they or them or their in business NOT because I believe this gender binary nonsense but because sex, sexuality and gender have absolutely nothing to do with business or anything else outside of the bedroom. That’s my personal belief. Nobody cares what you identify as when we’re talking about your account or finances. It really doesn’t affect a single damn thing.

According to all of this hypocrisy going on, I’m supposed to know and care about all of this and be loud about it. I don’t want to be loud about it. Change is not affected by being the loudest. It’s affected by people like me, correcting someone in a decent way, communicating my disapproval of their behavior and standing up to someone when they want to challenge that correction.

For example, I remember a situation where a female employee was having a problem with the system and the client she was helping was an impatient, rough looking bearded guy, being rude every chance he got for reasons only he can explain. He looked at me and made a comment about women being inept. I could have a) agreed and laughed with him at the expense and humiliation of my employee or b) kicked him out for sexism and defended my employee. Well, guess what. I did neither of those things. What I did do was assure him that she was absolutely more than capable of doing her job, but the system was being stubborn and it wouldn’t make a difference who was helping him. Just give it a minute it will be back online in a second and she can get everything done that you need. What happened? Her confidence in herself was boosted because she knew her manager didn’t blame her for the system. Her ability to help him increased because now she wasn’t stressed about the system. His attitude changed because he knew I was not going to step in and “save the day” as a man, and he had a clear idea that I was not on his side in that argument. His patience increased because he had no choice but to wait or leave only to come back later and take more time out of his day.

Well guess what? From that point on he would only deal with her, respected her and called her by name. Once, when she wasn’t there and I tried to help him, he actually DID leave and come back when she was back on her shift because they had that kind of rapport!!! The situation had all the ingredients for a lawsuit and uproar, but what came of it was a good, healthy, respectable relationship.

The same applies to immigrants. Admittedly, their names can be extremely difficult between the accents and the spellings, but when you’re dealing with legalities you have to have it right. It was hard sometimes, and embarrassing for me, when I’d have to ask them to repeatedly spell their names but by God I was going to know each and every one personally by the time I was through with paperwork. I took advantage of the extended time to get to know them, where they’re from, why they moved and understand their speech patterns. I might have taken more time than I should have with them but I felt like if I wanted to give good customer service and be a place they trusted and had faith in, it was time I had to take. That’s just me. No policy. No law. No bullshit. I taught the same value to every employee and if I saw anything outside of that they were coached.

This is me. This is millions of people, including the horrific white man. I am not an oppressor or racist or evil person and neither are they. I can name some really awful people that I know, locally, and they are neither white nor male but are some of the most vile, arrogant, ignorant people you’d ever want to come across.

Why are we being shouted down and told to shut up when we offer just as much support and have just as much value as anyone else? When it’s done with inclusion and a good attitude you have a foundation to support you, not a mob nobody wants to listen to. You can shout down any opposition and force them to submit, but that only serves to prove your weakness. If you can face them and stand your ground while still listening to them and showing tolerance, starting a conversation to explain both of your ideas and opinions, finding common ground, then nobody can say you aren’t working steadily towards a common goal based on respect and needs.

This society is very ill, and no amount of shouting will cure it. It only serves to spread the illness. Take time! Change does not happen overnight, and when it does it’s because of a totalitarian regime that will have it no other way, stripping you of your freedoms and forcing you to comply or else. This is where we are. This is the reason there’s so much unrest and small groups of people making noise and struggling to force change. Everyone is fighting, blaming, pointing fingers but nobody wants to stop and say, whoah, wait a minute, what’s MY role in this? What do I need to change about myself for this to be effective? Maybe my attitude? My words? Maybe my body language? Maybe I don’t actually believe half of what I’m saying and only do it for a reaction because a reaction is acknowledgment? What is my real motivation? These are questions that need answers by every single person involved. When they can answer those questions rationally, without feelings getting in the way, maybe we can sit down and talk but until then it’s like trying to reason with a 4 year old having a tantrum and they should not be heard. Ignore them the same way you do a tantrum. When they calm down and realize nobody cares, they’ll learn to communicate. Don’t punish everyone else by caving in and creating laws for their benefit just to quiet them down.

That’s why I’ve done away with social media. At least for now. It wasn’t easy because I do enjoy my feeds and spending time reading them. It’s toxic, though. I refuse to follow anyone that tries to force values I don’t believe in, encourage discourse to make change or blame anyone for a problem they themselves had a hand in creating. It doesn’t matter if you think they’re nice or funny or make good videos, if you subscribe to someone that makes comments or reposts things you disagree with, stop following them. Your subscription is your support in everything they post. It might not make much difference but you can rest easy knowing you made a choice that was right for you. I also refuse to use an app that has ads backing the attitudes of these people. I understand it’s a business and ads keep it going, but propaganda is not an ad and a feed that’s 90% Buddhism and 10% humour does not qualify as a user that wants to see those kinds of personal and political attacks. We all know they use algorithms to choose the ads you see, so why those ads and cherry picked news items unless they’re pushing them for an agenda?

I’m a good guy. Hell, I’m a great guy! I know I’m respected and cared about in my community. I choose not to be vilified for a cause.

It’s all great! :(

So, I had done those aptitude tests and all that crazy stuff I was sent home with by my career guy, quite a while ago.  Well, he finally completed them.  Now, I know you can do these quizzes pretty much anywhere, but what I wanted was the feedback with the results.  Plus, there was one that isn’t available online, because it’s frigging complicated and annoying.  I don’t know if they make it that way on purpose or if it’s just how it is.  It would almost make sense that it’s on purpose because then the guy has a job.  lol

ANYWAY!  After I got the results, I’m a little more confused then I was before.  See, before, my problem was, “what am I good at?  Where do I belong?”  Now, my questions are a little different.

You see, because of these things, I’ve found out I’m in the 95th percentile for practically whatever I want.  From arts to sciences to leadership to …..well all of it.  I’m in the top of everything.  Oddly, my lowest was outdoors.  That surprised me.  I love being outdoors.  Well, as long as it’s 30C or above.  Under that, and it gets a bit dodgy depending on clouds, breeze, etc.  Maybe that’s what affected it.  Oh well.

SO!  Now my question isn’t, “what am I good at?”  It’s more like, “what the **** am I supposed to do with all of these options!!”

I haven’t finished everything I’m supposed to do.  After getting the results, you now have to take it back to the books, and there’s these huge categories where you choose a general one then break that down to more specific ones.  It’s a big flowchart, really, that looks like it’s going to take some major time to accomplish.  There’s a LOT in those lists!

So, yeah.  It’s like that.  I won’t be working on it today, though.  My wife decided to bring home a cold from work and not keep up on the lysol wipes and stuff, so now I’m sick.  My head feels like it’s floating off of my shoulders and it’s hard to concentrate.  I have to double check everything I do.  It doesn’t help that I stayed up late watching youtube videos and listening to music.  Much later than I expected given how I felt, but you know how it is once you go down that rabbit hole.

Oh, also, spoke to a dietitian about lithium!  I was really worried that one salty dinner could throw off my med because it says right on the warnings not to screw with your salt intake.  Apparently the occasional Chinese buffet is fine, which is great cause we only do it very occasionally.  Maybe once a month, if that.  Also, water intake.  I’m bloody awful at drinking water.  Days will go by when I have 1 or 2 glasses each day.  But, apparently, it doesn’t have to be water, it can be whatever keeps my body hydrated, so orange juice, etc is all good.  Which is good, because water is so damn gross.

Ok, off to write, have to take a trip downtown today, too.  Things to do!

Floating away

I have never, ever in my life drank so much water. EVER!!!

I’m “practicing” for taking lithium and I guess you have to drink a lot of water everyday. Ok, so, this is a problem. It’s a problem because I’m lucky to have 1 glass of water a day. 2 is like Woo doggies! I drank a lot of water today!

10 glasses?!?!? Jezamighty. It’s not even do-able. I don’t know who drinks this much water. I forced myself to get to 10 cups of water today and my goal was 12. If I can gag down one more glass of water I’d be amazed…. And severely sick.

Drinking water makes me gag. I hate it. I hate water….. Period. I don’t like drinking it, don’t like being wet, don’t like rain, don’t like anything water related. I don’t mind swimming….. Sorta? I’d prefer to be in a boat.

I’m doing this for a reason and I clearly have to stick with it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it though. I really don’t. It seems stupid, like, oh just drink the water ya big baby. No. How bout I say 12 times a day you have to poke yourself in the back of the throat until you gag? Same thing. I hate it. It stinks, it’s slimy, I feel like I’m skimming scuzzy pond water off the top. It makes my stomach heave. Tap, bottled, flavored, doesn’t matter. Gross.

I’m doing this for my three goals. Home, health and employment. I’m awful with ssri’s. They don’t work. All they do for me is cause side effects. Lithium has the water requirement because it could kill me if I don’t drink water.

I really need lithium to work. The highs and lows of bipolar are just too much for me anymore to handle without something just to soften the edges. I have my mind busy with a lot of other things, it’s harder to focus on my mood states than when I was at work. At least at work I could target them towards a goal that ended when I went home (mostly).

I need something to lift some of the burden. I have super high hopes for lithium. I’m excited! This is the first time someone listened to me about the ssri’s! That’s very exciting to me because they always felt like a punishment. They were so awful. This neeeeds to work!

But I also have to drink all this f’n water! I’ve been looking for an app that will help, but so far they all suck. Fitbit pisses me off because while they have a counter (that I’m using) they have no reminder. What’s the point then? Stupid fitbit.

I just know I’m gonna be up at 6am again whizzing my brains out. Once I’m up I’m just up. There’s no going back to bed, for me. I’m so tired tonight I’ve been wanting to go to bed since about 8pm.

Its 1030 now and that’s close enough.

Have a good one.

Motivation is everything…

And I don’t have any.

I have a lot going on, mostly because I’m kind of dealing with hypomania.  I get things going, get great idea, start things, and what happens?  i can’t really focus enough to do any of it.  The good thing is that some of it is for the better, but I can’t stay with it.  I bought a vype e-pen and I actually like it!  I like the taste of the tobacco…..wait….I mentioned this already.  Ok, next!

I’m trying to stay on track with writing.  IT’S HARD!  I can’t stay focused enough and usually end up shopping online (not buying tho!) or other assorted activities.  This is where a good old fashioned typewriter would come in handy.  No internet access required.  It’s hard to focus when you have so much available to do at a mouse click.

I’d like to know what other writers do to stay focused.  How do they keep their mind on the task at hand and not drift off down the rabbit hole.

So, today, I’m going to finish this, get on docs and write.  I’ve got today open, and I’m going to use it to my advantage.  I hope.

First, I wanted to mention that I have my latest dr appointment coming up for a “renewal” of my medical EI.  I don’t know what I’m expecting or what to say.  Part of be is bored out of my damn mind, and I want to get out and get to work.  The other part is like, stop it!  You still have a lot to do and besides, it’s your money!  I feel like I’m wasting it.  The time, I mean.  I can’t focus long enough, or the depression weighs me down.  Then, on top of that, I’m bored!  Just what is wrong with me, people!

I ask myself that and I know the answer.  Nothing I can’t control.  I’m a big believer in control, self control, self awareness.  I NEED to get my ass back on that.  Meditation.  Freaking awareness!  Time management.  If I have a calendar with events, a day with a to do list, I tend to do it.  Give me a day with nothing and I just linger from one thing to the next.  So.  I’m gonna go make a to do list!

I keep forgetting…

So I’m still seeing my career guidance. It’s going poorly. He talks more about stories and trivia than he does work or me. We’re still just getting the initial paperwork done! I’ve done everything on my end. Everything he’s given me to do, everything he’s asked me to do, I’ve done. It’s all handed back. Forms, paperwork, even these multiple choice type aptitude tests. They were a pain, trust me. But I did em.

What’s up with this? Is this how easy his job is that he can be so lax about everything? Maybe I should have taken that job if it meant I could just walk around with my dick in my hand.

Hindsight. It’s 20/20, as we all know.

OK, need sleep. The end.